Tuesday, March 24, 2009

where are they now?

Will the men who invented modge podge and lemon pepper please stand up? Both deserve a lengthy round of applause. 

I have that sinking feeling churning within me, however, leaving the impression that they are not standing right now because they do not realize the far-reaching effects of their actions. Human beings all around the globe are benefitted by these unfathomably incredible inventions. Little did these men know that because of their doings, people would never think, act, nor taste food the same way. 

I do not mean to be semi-anti-feministic in assuming that these brilliant masterminds were not of the double-x chromosomes; it just seems logical that men would stumble upon such great discoveries unknowingly. You know the creator of lemon-pepper was clumsily sautéing in the kitchen, while his dear wife was balancing the checkbook, nursing the baby, and vacuuming--all at once--and he accidently poured lemon rhyne into the pepper shaker. His wife thought it was a good idea, however, and, following many enjoyable meals, convinced him to take his simple yet ingenious findings to McCormick seasonings, who seized the idea, put a red lid on it, and sold it for millions a year. 

Likewise, we can assume that the male who founded modge podge did it after a series of unfortunately fortunate events. He was probably trying to make some sort of a seal after he had accidently nailed a picture into the completely wrong spot of wall in the wrong room. The slosh failed in the capacity of a seal anyway, so it was stored in the garage for a few years, and, after much defibulation, corroded into that fabulous waxy paste we use to decorate unfinished woods, photographs, and any other what's-it-calleds which simply need a bit more shine or zap. (I propose that the "glossy" version was left unattended and undisturbed on that shelf in the garage for a bit longer than the "non-gloss" version. [ I prefer the look of gloss to non-gloss, so I am grateful for those additional years of solitude that jar endured.])

So the question, I reiterate, where are they and do they realize the far-reaching effects of their brilliant findings? 

I say, two and all, many thanks. 

Many thanks for the countless frozen chicken breasts, steamed to a state of golden brown perfection, and simply seasoned with the unparalleled joys of lemon-pepper. 

Many thanks for the hours I have gleefully spent, lost in spreading that modge podge on easy-wrinkling newspaper, while dreaming of new, inventive ways and means whereon to apply it. 

Could it get better?
I say no. 

So I boldly pronounce my thankfulness, for these curious men, who simply sought to do right, and deduced in benefitting mankind as long as the earth should continue in its spinning motion.

Many thanks.


JULIE said...

Hahahahaha! Tawny you are a fantasmic writer. What a great essay.

Kelsea said...

egggcelent. magnificent.

Michelle said...

Tawny I also utter my many thanks to the lucky fellow who, by a case of pure happenstance, created the delightful substance we call modge podge. He has blessed my life through his efforts because my dear friend Tanya (you) stumbled across this miracle paste and made me the sweetest wedding shower present that i could imagine. Although that mysterious and wonderful man can be credited for his invention, you still deserve many accolades for your beautiful, creative mind. Thank you again!

bulkleybunch said...

oh man i love love love you!!!! that just made my morning girlie! i'm so excited to see you have a blog, let my stalking begin!!!!!! and a great big AMEN on lemon pepper, i think i almost o.d.'ed on the stuff this last sunday! :) you are beautiful in every way possible. have a good one tawnster!

Shaharac said...

It's Sunday morning and I'm blog stalking. This made me really laugh. I totally agree. Lemon pepper best spice EVAH!

Kelli said...

You are adorable! Thanks SOOO much for the yummy banana bread. I can't tell you how excited the kids were! They said, "Tawny brought us lunch!!" It was hysterical! And thanks also for the cupcakes for Mindi's birthday. You are so sweet and thoughtful. I'll have to have you show me how to do modge podge sometime. It looks cool, but I have never done it. Love this post! You are too funny! Thanks again for everything. If I think of anything you can do to help, I'll call for sure!